Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Friday, December 26, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
"Look! Up in the sky!"
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"It's a meteorite!"
"It's a weather balloon!"
"It's swamp gas!"
No! Until proven otherwise, it is...
The implausible man!
Coming from a far away planet —you aren't so arrogant as to think humans are alone in the universe, are you?—, Nonzero fights crime with his superpowers.
Trustworthy withesses have seen him lifting weights impossible for a normal human being. Will you doubt their word?
In controlled tests he performed 1.26% over expected by chance.
... AND HE CAN FLY!
"Yes I can!"
It's up to you to prove that he can't!
The implausible man!
You'll believe a man can do whatever we tell you he can do!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
"Yeah, whatever. I still don't believe in it."
"What about those who do believe and even went through it? Are they all crazy?"
"No. Just self-deluded."
"You're saying that because you didn't experience it yourself."
"Discussing religion? Supernatural stuff?"
"People have been doing it for millennia. There must be something to it, no?"
Friday, October 31, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Credit where credit is due: this weapons-grade message of hope was "channeled" by Blossom Goodchild, who also predicted aliens would be arriving today. Well, there's still time.
"Know of this. We come to assist your world. We do not come to take over. We do not come to destruct. We come to give you hope.
"We are beings from other planets, who for many eons of your time have been preparing for these days. We are giving you the opportunity to capture on screen this particular ship. There shall be no contact in the form those of your planet would like. For this initial presentation we shall simply be presenting our ship to you.
"Until we can prove that we come in love, we shall not allow the fullness of our visit to be uncovered.
"Friends of the Earth. Do not be afraid. We beseech you to trust that we come to bring the downfall of those who have misintentions for the well being of your planet. If we do not intervene now, as has been planned for eons of your Earth time, then we fear it would be too late.
"We ask you to accept us in love. For that is why we come.
"Know of this. This is the beginning. Not the end. For indeed we come in peace. Fill your souls with trust in that knowledge.
"Be of joy. It is time for that. You shall know of this as your heart accepts the true reason for our visit. To bring you an understanding of love. Know of this."
"Alien Slaughter! Thousands dead from boredom by the invaders' broadcast."
Friday, October 10, 2008
CASE FILE # 5483217617
SCHMOE, Joseph L.
Mr. Schmoe was murdered with multiple strokes of a cleaver while he was watching television. Witnesses reported having seen a tall male subject with a ski mask running away from the house at the time of the crime.
WORST. CRIME. EVER.
This murder is idiotic. A cleaver? Come on! There are a hundred better ways to whack a dude.
O RLY? Well, if it's so easy, why don't you go out and murder someone yourself?
This person died because he failed to follow the instructions in this comment, AND NOW THAT YOU HAVE READ IT, THE SAME WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. Copy and paste this comment in three other case files, and you'll meet your true love. Otherwise, you'll find an untimely, gruesome death.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
"Phew! All this hard work to make Earth... And we still have to build Paradise? Bah! Let's just ban those down there from doing anything they like, so whatever they find here will look better in comparison."
"Thy will be done."
Friday, October 3, 2008
"We found this glass slipper at the end of the stairs."
"Take it to the lab and have it checked for toeprints. And tell the boys to give it top priority. The prince wants this case solved as soon as possible."
CSI: Cinderella's Shoe Investigation
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
"They're the souls of the departed!"
"They're flaming dragons!"
"They're light bulbs!"
"They're holes in the sky!"
"They are gigantic balls of gas emitting vast amounts of energy due to the nuclear fusion reactions that..."
"Bah! Who cares?"
Friday, September 19, 2008
"The director had this idea of using scary stories to deter inmates from escaping."
"Looks like it could use some tweaking."
"He was warned against it, but he wouldn't listen. So, one afternoon he went over the perimeter fence and started running... and was never seen again."
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
"Mr. Ventrelli, we bring great news for you!"
"The Godfather offers you his friendship and protection in exchange for... ahem... a monthly token of respect."
"Thank you, gentlemen, but I respect the Godfather my own way. Organized crime is not for me."
"You don't understand. The Godfather is giving you a choice.*"
*"I'll make him an offer he can't refuse."
"Yes! You can either pay for his protection, or else have your shop windows shattered."
"Isn't the Godfather a wonderful person in letting you to accept his offer on your own will?"
"No, no, listen... I know the Godfather is a good man. He'd never..."
"Mr. Ventrelli, the Godfather really appreciates you and your family. He wouldn't like anything bad happen to you."
"Knowing you rejected his offer will break his heart. Your place will burn to the ground, and it will be your fault."
"And he will know! He knows everything!"
"He knows where you live... He knows where your children go to school..."
"WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME ABOUT THIS?"
Mr. Ventrelli took the offer. And then...
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! I'M SAFE! God bless the Godfather!"
"Another candid soul won for the family."
"Look, there's that guy who called us thugs."
"Good. Let's take him to the back alley and teach him some respect."
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Libra: Celestial bodies will clear your path to love and workplace progress today.
"Poor Johnson. What an awful, unlikely way to die. Oh, well... Smith, starting tomorrow you have his job. Meanwhile, take the day off and go console the widow."
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
"Reason and experience indicate that one of the players holds the winning hand. You posit that I might not be that player, but it is equally true that I might be that player indeed, and if we stop and consider the attributes such a hand would ideally have..."
"Put your cards on the table already!"
"This is the last time ever we invite a theologian over to play."
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Friday, August 8, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
"The evidence is there for everyone to see: photographs, witnesses, messages in the crops... How longer will our governments deny the obvious reality of alien visits? Why are they so afraid? What are they trying to hide?"
"The president is now shaking what, for lack of a better word, we'll call the 'hand' of the being. Ladies and gentlemen, we're witnessing a historical event: Humanity's first contact with..."
"Once again, our leaders seem to think we are idiots. Who could ever believe that advanced beings would travel countless light years just to see us poor primitives? What is the purpose of this farce? What are they trying to hide?"
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
"Glorification of violence... White heroes fighting dark-skinned villains... Justification of eugenics... Pure right wing propaganda!"
"A few heroes against a monstrous invading army... Lascivious, corrupt priests... Homosexual subtext... Nothing but progressive smut!"