Friday, December 28, 2012
"What do you mean I was stealing the sled? That floozy fatso is always giving things away! That means he has already consented to anyone coming along and taking whatever they want! People will know about this false theft allegation!"
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Are you in trouble? Is law enforcement targeting you?
Our products are 100% juridical Kevlar.
Noticeably reduces the probability of being indicted of private crimes.
Reduces almost to zero any likelihood of ever being convicted.
Offers lifetime protection against being called to testify in any court of law.
Friday, December 21, 2012
"There's no reason why I should give you anything. If you want money, work for it."
"That's what the market sets for unqualified work. If you want to earn more, go to school."
"Education is a service like any other. If you want to learn, pay for it."
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
"Listen to me, Winston. I have come back in time to bring you a warning. Certain people will request an audience today. You must not grant it. They will call themselves anti-fascists, but in actuality they are fascists of the future trying to erase you from history."
Friday, December 14, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
"I loved my children! I was always seeing to their well-being. I kept telling then what to do, what to wear, who to go out with... But they never listened to me! I was patient and gave them plenty of chances... But, in the end, they left me with no choice but to throw them into the fire."
"A role model of a loving father."
Friday, December 7, 2012
Nothing can be its own cause, and an infinite regress of causes is not possible. Therefore, there must be a first uncaused cause which created the world in seven days and made man out of clay, but man sinned and fell from the uncaused cause's grace, so later it had to destroy its creation except for a family and a couple of every animal species, but this didn't work out either, so the uncaused cause had to incarnate itself as a man and die on a cross to redeem the world from sin, and even today the bread and the wine become the body and the blood of the uncaused cause so we can partake in its sacrifice.
Oh, and being gay is totally wrong. It just follows.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Flea Snobbery presents: How to help maintain an unequal status quo while looking to be for equality in one simple step.
"[Underprivileged group] suffers prejudices and is often overlooked. Something should be done about that?"
"Why? Are you implying that [underprivilege group] is not able to make their lot better by their own means? Who is being prejudiced here?"
This was a public service announcement by Flea Snobbery.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
"Homeopathy has never proven to have any effect beyond placebo."
"You may think so, but it works for me."
"The economic model you favor tends to lower per capita income and raise poverty levels."
"You may think so, but it makes me richer."
Friday, November 16, 2012
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
Every ruler's best friend!
Close the ranks!
"Enemikus wants to do us apart to destroy us. It is time for us to stand together as never before!"
Scare the undecided!
"Sure, you can withhold your support. But that's what Enemikus wants! He's using you!"
Dismiss the criticism!
"Those are malicious, slanderous rumors started by Enemikus and I will not dignify them with a reply."
Shift the blame!
"Enemikus has never given up trying to sabotage my plan and make it fail. Sadly, he has succeeded."
Buy now and get 2 Enemikuses for the price of 1.
Warning: Using more than one Enemikus may cause generalized confusion about which one is supposed to be hated at any given time.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
"Look! A bumblebee! Did you know that, according to scalculations by scientists, bumblebees can't fly? Of course, since bumblebees don't know that, they just keep on flying happily."
"That is an urban legend. When you use the right aerodynamic approach, the bumblebee's flight is perfectly accounted for."
"Oh, so scientists say that bumblebees can fly. What geniuses they are! Will they figure out that water is wet next?"
"Get him, bumblebee! Get him!"
Friday, November 2, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
"The country should be run like a company."
"The country should be run by unelected bureaucrats who guide all work towards a common end and assign resources according to the necessities of each individual."
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
"The issue poses questions that can't be solved using conventional logic. For instance: what if someone went back in time and prevented himself from ever being born?"
"Time travel is abortive."
"I see. We'll issue a press release condemning it as soon as possible."
Friday, October 12, 2012
"I am closed minded? You are the one who refuses to have your beliefs challenged. You only read things that reinforce your previous ideas. It'd do you well to check once in a while one of these skeptical blogs that...What the hell is this article? This is not what skepticism is supposed to be about! I'm so removing this blog from my favorites right now!"
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
"This little island, along with its adjacent islets and the sea around them, is the Independent Republic of Costamaranda. Port Chifulca is its capital and only major city.
"This little known country will soon be featured in news reports around the world because of a bloody coup d'etat led by General Efigio Zamuldano. Of course, no one will know we are behind it.
"Under Zamuldano's regime, the citizens of Costamaranda will be forced to wear the left shoe on the right foot and vice versa. Parting one's hair will be punishable with imprisonment for life without trial. Whistling, wearing digital wristwatches and sanding wood before painting it will be crimes against the state. Newspapers will be barred from using open vowels on Tuesdays."
"This is madness! What will we get out from that?"
"A priceless political standard. We'll be able to run our countries in any way we like and claim that it's not a dictatorship as long as it's not like Costamaranda."
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
"I photographed this UFO in the countryside last night. It was like a fireball blazing in the sky."
"What do you think? Is it a meteorite, or something else?"
"Well, Occam's Razor tells us we should always prefer the simplest explanation. So, which one is likelier? That a lump of space rock has been floating around for millions of years, avoiding all that time to hit other heavenly bodies, just to fall to earth at the right time and place for you to take a picture of it?"
"Hum... if you put it that way..."
Friday, September 28, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
"In today's plebiscite, 76.6% of the population supported the proposition to remove the right to vote from those who can't do it right."
"We'll finally have some order and civilization in this country."
"Consequently, a bill has been introduced to strip that 76.6% from their voting rights. Speedy approval is taken for granted, given the circumstances."
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Friday, August 31, 2012
"I heard that you think that consent is very important in everything related to sex and reproduction."
"Of course! Consent is paramount."
"Good! In that case, to be consistent with yourself, you ought to help us fight sexual and reproductive practices the church does not consent to."
"Erm... I don't think you fully understand how this works."
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
—Nothing in the universe is isolated. Everything is interrelated. A butterfly flaps its wings in Beijing and rains starts falling in New York. So it's you who are being fallacious when you say that your persona hygiene is unrelated to your doubts about my teachings. You gruddy skeptic.
Friday, August 24, 2012
"Sex outside of wedlock is against God's plan. It brings nothing but chaos to family and society."
"Buzz off, grandpa. Nobody listens to your backward opinions anymore."
"Only by getting married and remaining faithful can you practice safe sex. That's a scientific fact."
"Your cassock shows under the lab coat."
"No, it doesn't."
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
"It's a known fact that a skillful ball player can make a ball follow a curved trajectory. This is an effect of air pressure. The lower the pressure, the harder this is to achieve.
"At a bigger scale, planets are balls that go on a curved path around the Sun. How is this possible? There's no air in space! Why don't planets stray from their orbits? The answer is obvious if we think about it: planets carry their own air. We call this "atmosphere."
Therefore, even though established science claims otherwise, every planet and moon must have an atmosphere. If they didn't, they'd drift away.
"And it's done! I have proven the scientific paradigm wrong and revolutionized astronomy. You can ask my secretary for my address to send the Nobel prize. Thank you."
Friday, August 10, 2012
"You have to join our movement! We work for peace, fight for social justice and lie down on the path of our leader forming a human carpet, lest his august feet touch the ground."
"Erm... No, I don't think so. I pass."
"Aha! So you don't care about peace and social justice, huh? Sociopath!"
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
This cartoon features cameos by the winners of Cook Jesus Day: Silvia, Julio and Doctor Mapache (“Doctor Raccoon”).
"The opening mechanism will be activated as soon as we exit this room. The decay of a very small radioactive sample will determine whether the cage opens or remains closed. According to the Copenhagen interpretation, the raccoon will then be both free and locked at the same time. The free-raccoon will wander around and eventually make it to the kitchen, drawn in by the smell of the coffee and brownies we'll be having. But beware! What if the system collapses into a locked-raccoon state? Then the raccoon will have never made it to the kitchen for us to see it. The wave function won't have collapsed! PARADOX! Is that possible? There's only one way to know!"
"Were these budget figures necessary for that?"
"This experiment could change our understanding of the universe. We can't afford to skimp on quality of coffee and brownies.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Cook Jesus Day has been celebrated with plenty of yummy recipes! There's a whole gallery at the Spanish version of the blog. Sadly, I have neither the time nor the resources to translate everything (especially the videos), so I apologize. But isn't cooking a universal language?
By the way, the winners are:
By the way, the winners are:
Friday, June 29, 2012
The day has arrived! We are celebrating Cook Jesus Day along with Flea Snobbery's fourth anniversary. Don't forget to post your delicious blasphemy today to the Facebook page, or tweet it using the hashtag #CookJesusDay. And your likeness might end up immortalized in pixels by the author of this blog!
"Hoc est enim corpus meum!"
"I see your seminarist is still practicing. Can he make the flesh of Christ have the attributes of bread now?"
"Well, not exactly... but he can make the flesh to be cured and spiced, which is appreciated by the congregation."
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
(I barely need to remind you about Cook Jesus Day next week, right?)
"Female architect wanted for studio. Minimum height: 5 feet 6 inches. Pretty face, fit body. Preferably blonde, blue eyes. Older than 27 need not apply." "That's awful!" "Indeed! I meet all their requirements, but they don't want me because of my gender! We men are discriminated against in this feminazi society, I tell you!"
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
NewsWorth EXPERT IN MANIPULATION A specialist accuses media of using biased headlines and images to influence the audience's opinion. Have her ideas about "dismissive quotation marks" any validity? What are the interests behind her talk of malicious innuendo? Her strange opinions about adjective use. Is she certifiably insane to say that claims are stated in question form to avoid liability? ALSO: How much she earns and why she says that's irrelevant.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
"We're accused of dominating the world, of causing wars, of drinking blood... We're tired of being defamed! It's time for our voice to be heard!" "We don't disguise ourselves as humans to deceive anyone! We do it because we are afraid!" NO MORE ANTI-REPTILIANISM LIZARD PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE TOO