Friday, December 26, 2014

Three little pigs

Three little pigs

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Cryptid

Cryptid

"Yes, these are definitely cat hairs."

"I see."

"Science says the hairs found don't come from a bear, a wolf or a fox.

"ENIGMATIC CREATURE"

Friday, December 19, 2014

The aroma of books

The aroma of books

"Still with those electronic books, huh? You have no idea what you're missing out. The smell, for example. There's nothing like the smell of a new book."

"Part of that smell is due to volatile organic compounds released by the bookbinding adhesives. You are literally sniffing glue."

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Thought experiment

Thought experiment

"But what if, say, someone swallows the battery of an elderly lady's pacemaker and she'll die in thirty seconds unless someone recovers it?"

"Again, no! It's not acceptable to cut someone in half with a chainsaw!"

"You're too uncompromising."

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Bias

Bias

"Generally speaking, men will believe other men more readily than women."

"Really? My wife told me that the other day, but I thought she was making it up."

Friday, December 5, 2014

Patatusin

Patatusin

PATATUSIN

Relief of the effects of seeing the Patatusin ad

Friday, November 28, 2014

Euphemisms

Euphemisms

"I call things by their proper names. For example, if I see a fag, I won't call him 'gay.' I'll call him a fag. And if I see a pregnant fifteen-year-old, I won't call her a 'victim of society.' I'll call her what she is. And if she gets offended, she shouldn't be so easy."

"You're just a jerk."

"The term is 'politically incorrect'!

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Lessons from the past

Lessons from the past

On the other hand, those who CAN remember the past proclaim:

"This is totally different from that!"

And repeat it anyway.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Rome

Rome

"Take note. 'To Titus Modicus Spurious, commander of the Twenty-seventh Legion...'"

"Should I write 'twenty-seven' in letters or in letters?"

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Lifesaver

Lifesaver

"What? It's only fair and equitable, isn't it?"

Friday, November 14, 2014

Dress

Dress

"Priests are so annoying! They act like they're so tolerant, but they're a bunch of hypocritical homophobes.

Look! There goes one. Hey! Nice dress! Is it a Chanel? Fag.

"Religion shouldn't exist. It's totally unnecessary."

"Yeah, I can tell."

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Bridge

Bridge

BRIDGE BUILT BY ENGINEER COSTOLETZ OPENS TODAY
Novel techniques were used in its making

TRAGEDY: BRIDGE COLLAPSES
Two hundred dead and injured

COSTELETZ COMMISSIONED TO RE-BUILD THE BRIDGE
"My techniques ensure a solid construction"

"So we decided to teach engineering farther from were political science was taught."

"I see."

Friday, November 7, 2014

Arrows

Arrows

"Stop looking at all those isolated instances and pay attention instead to the representative example!"

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Je n’en ai pas besoin

Je n'en ai pas besoin

"Maybe you have no need of that hypothesis, monsieur Laplace... But we do!

Friday, October 31, 2014

Philosophy

Philosophy

"The first step in the way to wisdom is to ignore the pedantic aphorisms some people make up like they know the way to wisdom."

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Key

Key

"Lock the door and put the key in the potted plant."

"Choose a security question."

"What is the name of your pet?"

Friday, October 24, 2014

Enmity

Enmity

"I warn you: I know where you live, I know where you work, and if you mess with me, I'll kill you. I'm not joking. I swear I'll find you and kill you."

"Hey! What's up, guys?"

"He just threatened to kill me."

"And now you're slandering me!"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Scandal

Scandal

"It's scandalous that Big Pharma companies are using this epidemic to fatten their purse. Scandalous! So, instead of giving them your business, use my cure-all tonic! It's cheap and effective!"

Friday, October 17, 2014

Masculine

Masculine

MASCULINITY

Standard Pack

Now with 15% more insecurities

Warning: In case of irritation, beat the hell out of the perceived cause.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Cruelty

Cruelty

"Your situation is regrettable, but I don't believe in opening locks. Making people act against their beliefs is cruel."

Friday, October 10, 2014

Traditions

Traditions

"It might be traditional, but it's still stupid."

"I know! But my people has used tradition to justify stupidity for centuries. If we stopped doing it, we'd be betraying our roots!"

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Manners

Manners

"Good afternoon, gentleman. I am letting you know that from now on you will be required to wear this collar and walk on all fours, if you are kind enough."

"Don't listen to him! You are a human being, damn it! Not a dog!"

"He was respectful. You should learn."

"Don't talk, please. Just bark."

Friday, October 3, 2014

Excuse

Excuse

"My window! My TV!"

"Oh, of course! You had to go and find just another excuse to dismiss my arguments out of hand, did you?"

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Unfair

Unfair

"I got done for robbery. But my neighbor's the one to blame."

"How so?"

"He got something I really wanted."

Friday, September 26, 2014

Good person

Good person

"Had I eaten your chocolate cake, then I'd be a bad person. I am not a bad person. Therefore, I —burp— didn't eat your chocolate cake."

"Oh! Well, if logic says so..."

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

The tallest

The tallest

Sears Tower
442 meters
Chicago, 1973

Petronas Towers
452 meters
Kuala Lumpur, 1998

Taipei 101
509 meters
Taipei, 2004

Burj Khalifa
828 meters
Dubai, 2010

"Well?"

"Still no new languages among the workers, sir."

"We must keep pushing until we find the minimum required height."

Friday, September 19, 2014

Difference of opinion

Difference of opinion

"You think you're entitled to walk the streets without suffering violence, and I'm fine with that. Just respect the fact that others disagree with you."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Differences

Differences

"God created man and woman different and assigned each of them their own purpose. That's the natural order of things. It's no use to question it."

"No more dogma!"

"Booo!"

"Men and women don't have the same interests and occupations because they evolved differently. It's scientific."

"No, it isn't."

"Don't question science."

Friday, September 12, 2014

Performance assessment

Performance assessment

"During your tenure, your apartment's numbers have climbed over seven billion. I'm afraid the New World Order will have to relieve you of your responsibilities as vice-president of world population reduction."

"Aawww..."

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Slavery

Slavery

"This new report confirms it, mister secretary. The textile industry uses slave labor."

"This is unacceptable and must be fought at the highest levels."

CLOTHING MANUFACTURE BANNED BY GOVERNMENT

Secretary: "This is an immoral industry."

Friday, September 5, 2014

A beautiful woman

A beautiful woman

A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO FIGHTS

"Aww... Thank you!"

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Blame

Blame

"We are blamed for invading these countries and bombing their populations, but no one says a word about their having so much oil."

"Indeed! They're asking for it."

Friday, August 29, 2014

Revolution

Revolution

"Our country's situation is intolerable! We must forcibly depose those corrupt good-for-nothings who rule us!"

"Yeah! And then put Jones in their place!"

"Not Jones. Roberts."

"What do you mean, Roberts? This is a coup!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Classified ad

Classified ad

For hire

PERSON WORSE THAN YOU

Unapologetic selfishness
Lack of scruples
Broken promises
Infidelity and abandonment
Petty larceny
General dishonesty

Why try and be a better person?
Just point at someone else and say:

"AT LEAST I'M NOT THAT BAD"

CUSTOMIZED VILLAINY

SATISFACTION GUARANTEED

Friday, August 22, 2014

Costume party

Costume party

"What do you mean, I'm not in theme? I came as a time traveler."

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Homily

Homily

"Before God and his people I express my sorrow and humbly ask forgiveness for the sins and grave crimes of the church that we can no longer hide or deny without losing face."

Friday, August 15, 2014

Proverb

Proverb

"Check out this sign I made! What do you think?"

"'You' is not spelled with a single letter."

"You're supposed to look at the message, not to nitpick over spelling! Jerk."

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Difficult legacy

Difficult legacy

"Well, yes. Of course the previous administration is to blame for everything. After all, if the previous administration had done a good job, we wouldn't have been elected into office, right? Their responsibility is clear. Next question.

Friday, August 8, 2014

Ally

Ally

"Yes! I have long admitted that the burden is distributed unevenly and that's unfair! You are right! You convinced me! I'm on your side now! What more do you want? Nothing is ever enough for you!"

Friday, August 1, 2014

Glorification

Glorification

"You can't attend a costume party as a policeman!"

"Dressing like that is a glorification of violence!"

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The problem of evil

The problem of evil

"If God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnibenevolent, why does evil exist? Theologians and philosophers have debated the issue for centuries."

"Hooray! Well, just one more level and then I'll eradicate evil from the world."

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park

"What is this chicken?"

"It's a dinosaur, Mr. Hammond."

"With feathers? Ridiculous! I want them gone in the next batch."

Friday, July 18, 2014

Cell phone

Cell phone

"Beware of your cell phone! It will make you sterile!"

"Contraception is a sin!"

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Want

Want

"I need one hundred extra dollars to pay this month's rent."

"Is that all you need? I envy you, my friend! I need thirty million to expand abroad."

Friday, July 11, 2014

Hate

Hate

"So, these people hates our people guts."

"Let's slaughter them at random until they stop hating us."

"Excellent idea!"

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Old shoe

Old shoe

"Pst! Pal!"

"Huh? Me?"

"Are you interested in buying this old shoe for all the money you're carrying?"

"Er... I don't think..."

"'They' don't want you to have the shoe."

"Oh, yeah? Give me that!"